My hands were sticky before I even got it out of the box. Wait. I’m getting ahead of myself.
After a long stretch away from my hardly-successful food blog, I’ve decided to make a comeback. I’m sure some of my fans will debate whether I’m only in it for the money, or if I’ve finally realized that this is what the people want: art that reaches the masses. In all honesty, it’s neither of these. You see, I’d yearned to get back to this site for some time, but never quite found the inspiration I needed. No, not the alligator on a stick at the New York State Fair. Certainly not the candy bacon I’d made with days-old Coca-Cola and maple syrup. Not even the 44 oz. milkshake I got at Footy’s Freeze in Cortland, NY. No, folks, it was this frozen mess that stared me in the eyes at the Stop & Shop in Berkley Heights, New Jersey.
Now, anyone with a taste for frozen desserts should have a place in their hearts for sorbet. And NEVER, should that special, beautiful place EVER have to make room for Friendly’s’ Wattamelon Roll. Putting the unboxing experience and actual food quality aside, the mere existence of this thing is a total disaster. A travesty. An utter disgrace.
One can get an idea of the low quality simply from holding the plastic-wrapped box that I can only imagine is so expertly assembled as to protect the customer’s hand from the curious sogginess of the box. Frankly, frozen food should never feel like it’s fully melted directly after being removed from the freezer. And yet, there I was. My hands were sticky before I could even get the damned thing out of the box.
A tearaway slip on the side of the box is meant to make for an easy removal. However, my experience was of the contrary — I did not have an easy time removing the half-loaf of sorbet. After finally pushing the sorbet out from the other side of the box, I was able to cut a slice off the roll.
The first thing I noticed was a strange attention-to-detail in the design of the roll — a level of accuracy one wouldn’t expect from a company that spells the fruit’s name, “Wattamelon.” (On a side note, is this supposed to make this dish seem regional? Is this a product solely for those in the north east? Is this made with authentic Boston Wattamelon?) The pink, watermelon-flavored product is littered with tiny dark chocolate chips. While I appreciate this cute addition to the sorbet, and not to harp on prior complaints, if Friendly’s really wanted to nail the true essence of watermelon, I presume they might have made the shell of the roll inedible, like the fruit itself.
Instead, we get a lemon-flavored sorbet on the exterior. As one might be able to discern, the watermelon does not possess any citrus flavoring, so you can see why I find this to be upsetting. That being said, the lemon sorbet is probably the most satisfying part of the roll.
Look. This product will not ruin your day. But do yourself a favor: buy a creamsicle. Or a Klondike Bar. Or an ice cream sandwich. The frozen novelty dessert field is crowded with classic competitors and is not to be reckoned with. Otherwise, this does not make sorbet more accessible, but rather soggy, sticky, and savorless.
This is a hard pass. 3 wattas out of 10 melons.
I think I’ll be starting an Instagram account for the gross foods that I don’t quite find review-worthy. I’d like to get a few of these done a month, so feel free to hold me to it.